i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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