just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
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I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
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What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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