We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
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She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
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I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Oh god it's open bar.
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