I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
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Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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