My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
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She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
This toilet bowl is my home.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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