Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
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I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
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Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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