And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
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We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
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definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
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