Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
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I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
how do you play pong handcuffed?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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