someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
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