tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
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Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
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cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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