wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
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For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
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I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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