There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
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Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
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Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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