god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
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