Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
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I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
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Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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