I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
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Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
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Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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