my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize