My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I think I won the penis lottery.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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