i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
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I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
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Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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