i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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