According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
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This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
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Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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