I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
I woke up under a house in Key West
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