I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
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