halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize