he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
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Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
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Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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