Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
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Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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