You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
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you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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