I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
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Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize