The maid of honor just puked.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
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he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
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I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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