I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
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I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
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Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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