My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
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did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
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i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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