my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
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I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
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BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize