You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
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If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
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WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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