I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
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Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
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Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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