I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
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Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
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