I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
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She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
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I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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