I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
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I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
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Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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