Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
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Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
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Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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