So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
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Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
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i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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