I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
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Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
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I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
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