he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
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