If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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