Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize