i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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