my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
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Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
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It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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