You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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