Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
How does one acquire holy water?
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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