That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
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The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
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and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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