I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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