Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
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