i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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